Me:Today, I'm here interviewing THE Bill Charbonneau, who brings us Zoinks, Weird Theorum, and, of course, Voices in my Hand. Now, lets start out with a quick question, (1.) Why did you put so many zombie guards outside your house? It was kinda tough to get in. (Assume that the interview is kinda Barbara Walter-ish)
Bill:The zombies? Everyone who "hears the voices" is cursed with their own undead security detail. I must apologize if they've mistreated you in any way shape or form. They are not used to having to be on alert during daylight hours so they might be a little more cranky than normal.
Me:Does It matter if I accidentally killed a few of them? They wouldn't let me in.
Bill:No, not at all. In fact, when one is killed two more take it's place. It just means you're gonna have that much more hassle when you try to leave here later on.
Me:How did you come up with Voices in my Hand Studios?
Bill:Actually, [looks over his shoulder],I didn't come up with it at all. It was more like being recruited into a cult. The voices called to me and I had no choice but to follow. They said if I didn't do as they say of my own free will, they'd just make me do things - bad things - to everyone around me. I could tell you more, but they are listening... [looks nervously around the room] they are ALWAYS listening...
Bill:No, not Hanson. I mean, sure they're scary but they're not creepy.
Me:When did you decide to come upon the lifestyle of the living dead?
Bill:The living dead isn't a lifestyle choice, it's genetic. I was born into it. Even as I young child I was fascinated by the undead and wanted nothing more than my own personal unholy army of death.You know... to torture other neighborhood children. Of course, I've learned in time that sometimes wanting an undead horde is much better than actually having one...
Me:Did you have to dig up the bodies for your experiments yourself or did the unholy demons of the netherreagons give you your army?
Bill:The first few were made on my own from dead family pets... a cat, a bird, a goldfish, Herve Villechaize... but the rest just began to show up gradually over time of their own power.
Me:How much do you know of the undead, how many books and/or movies do you have related to horror?
Bill:My own personal collecton of reading material is made up almost entirely of horror and sci-fi books. Stephen King, Clive Barker, Dean Koontz, Anne Rice, the Necronomicon, Green Eggs and Ham, 365 Ways to Cook Chicken... The usual fodder of dark reading.
Me:Considering I am surrounded by the undead every day, my specific knowledge of them is limited. They keep to themselves a lot. And do get a lot of information from watching classic B horror films on late night cable TV. The movies I own are pretty scary too tho... Howard the Duck, Tango & Cash, Who's That Girl?, Annie, and the entire Tele-Tubby collection.
Bill:If you had to be undead creature, what would your choice be: Zombie, Vampire, Werewolf, or is there another one you like more?
Me:Undead creature? I'd prefer to be a vampire, I think. Blood is much more pleasing to the palette than brains. Errr... so I've heard anyhow. Plus they get all the chicks.
Bill:If you became famously syndicated and everyone read your comic, how would you abuse your power?
Me:I'd have all the other cartoonists of the world turned into zombie illustrators and have them mindlessly draw my cartoons for me so I could sit around all day watching B horror movies and eating raw meat.
Bill:How has your wife lived with you so long? Or have you killed many wifes to get to the one who would graciously let her soul be taken over by the devil?
Me:She's a voodoo priestess so the undead are a little nervous of her. She's great to have around when the zombies get a little unruly. And no, I didn't kill any past wives... but she has.
Bill:She's been married to women? Or have you been married and she killed them for your undead dying love?
Me:Oh, she's killed off my previous wives all just to have me... most of them are still part of the zombie horde even now.
Bill:If you travelled on a train and traveled west for 7 miles and north for 8 miles, how many miles total would you have traveled from your starting point?
Me:I don't use public transportation. The living are terrifying.
Bill:What if the train was full of undead then?
Me:Yeah I could see that... a bunch of zombies moaning, "traaaaiiiinssss...."
Bill:If or when... wait, I mean WHEN you take over the world, who's gonna be seated next to you as one of the people who won't get tortured much?
Me:Salma Hayek. Well, unless she's into that whole torture thing...
Bill:And before we get to the quick-fire round, how can I adopt a zombie? If I take one in, can I kill it and mount it on my wall, or will you come to my house and kill me for such a horrific act?
Me:The Adopt-a-Zombie Foundation has been the only charity I've really supported over the years. Too many unwanted zombies wander the streets starving and alone. It just breaks my heart. All they really want is some attention and, well, a brain or two. It's not asking much, really. We tried to get Rosie O'Donnell to adopt a zombie because it might increase public awareness to have a famous person to adopt a zombie. But she declined.
Bill:Oh, and killing a zombie after you've adopted it is really not the smartest way to get a trophy for your wall. A better way would be to train your zombie to kill people you dislike. The bodies of your enemies make for a much better display.
Me:Okay, now to the quickfire round! Answer your favorable choice of the options I give you.
Me:Witchcraft or Voodoo?
Bill:It's all about the voodoo.
Me:AAAUUGGHH!!!!, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!, or OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!
Bill:Depends on the situation. AAAUUGGHH is a good neutral choice.
Me:Anne Rice or Stephen King?
Bill:Rice is nice but King is king.
Me:Chainsaw, Ax, Machete, or fists?
Bill:Fists. If you aren't willing to kill with your bare hands, you got no business killing at all.
Me:Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm Street?
Bill:Jason. Freddy is a goof with a bad shirt.
Me:A, AB, B, or O?
Bill:Depends on the salad you intend to pour it on.
Me:Creamated, Buried, or Freeze Dried?
Bill:Buried. Hard to resurect a pile of ashes or a TV dinner.
Me:Teletubbies or Winnie the Pooh?
Bill:Teletubbies, but only if they come with a remote.
Me:Black or White?
Bill:Black. White is for sissies and virgins.
Me:and finally, Jason X or adding 5 more holes in your head
Bill:Lexa Doig ('Rommie" on Andromeda) stars in Jason X. Jason X for sure.
Me:Well, thanks for being interviewed, anything you want to say before I kill my way out?
Bill:Just to be courteous when you kill and draw the chalk outline for the police.